Well, it’s been a while, hasn’t it? My muse went on hiatus some time ago, and she’s only now coming back around, giving me the occasional poke in the back, landing a spitball behind my ear, and generally letting me know that she’s still there, but isn’t interested in hanging out. That’s fine, I suppose. I’ve been busy. Or keeping busy. Anyway…

This will be another one of those occasions where I don’t re-start blogging with any great epiphanies, but with a humorous or annoying observation that won’t stop buzzing in my ear. Usually I’d be sputtering about the current state of politics but, with all deference to my friends of liberal persuasion who may still be celebrating, the bafflingly absurdist, Bizarro-World situation that’s developing speaks for itself.

No, today I want to let my poor reader know my thoughts on a subject of great personal, sociological, and psychological importance, by way of an anecdote…

I was working at Starbucks the other day, and one of my co-workers (or “Partner”, as the company refers to us) returned from the bathroom, visibly shaken.

“Doesn’t anyone know how to KNOCK ANYMORE?!?!”

“Oh, man, did someone walk in on you?!”

“No, the door was locked (general sigh of relief from all in hearing…) but as soon as I get in there, someone’s always rattling the handle!” At which point he makes the universal “rattling-the-handle” hand motions, accompanied by full-body convulsions, denoting the violence of the handle-rattling. “All they have to do is knock!!”

This, of course, being me, is not the first time I’ve had a discussion regarding occupied-bathroom etiquette. It’s just the kind of thing you’re not supposed to talk about that I find myself repeatedly talking about. And, of course, being me, I had to be contrary.

I pointed out that it’s far preferable to have someone check the handle than knock. A locked bathroom door is as much a psychological barrier as a physical one. It’s one of the few instances of real privacy any of us get anymore. When you’re behind a locked bathroom door, you’re safe. There is little to no danger that someone is going to see you in a state of undress, or worse. You could be doing the Watusi in there and no one is the wiser, though you should always look for wet-floor signage before doing so.

And what happens when someone knocks instead of trying the handle? One of two things:

1) You have to answer. All privacy has suddenly evaporated. You have to all but identify yourself! For all you know, the person on the other side can actually hear if you’re sitting down or not. They can hear the tension in your voice, conveying just enough of your emotional state to insist they imagine what’s happening in there. You’re in one of the most vulnerable states possible, and there is someone demanding that you verbally confirm for them what the locked handle obviously and dispassionately conveys.

Offhand, I can think of a couple of rather satisfying ways to diffuse the situation:

a) Respond with a cheerful “Who is it?” or “Come in!!”, or

b) upon exiting, stand in the doorway, blocking entrance, and look them in the eye for a full three seconds, deadpan expression. They quietly say, “It’s all yours…”

The other response option is:

2) Ignore the knock in the hope that that the knock-er will realize what kind of position they’re putting someone else into. How often is a bathroom door locked with no one in it? But, of course, the person on the other side may assume, because they weren’t BRIGHT enough to to come to any other conclusion, that this is, in fact, an EMPTY, LOCKED bathroom.

Now it becomes a race between one of three outcomes:

a) you manage to get out before any other action is taken by the knock-er,

b) the knock-er makes it non-too-subtly known to the waiting line that they’re going to find someone who can open the door, and/or

c) the person with the key actually arrives and opens the door, with the waiting line craning behind them to verify that the bathroom was, indeed, EMPTY.

If you yell “OCCUPIED!!” at any point before the door opens, the whole line assuages their own embarrassment by turning to each other and laughing about YOU! THE REASON FOR THEIR EMBARRASSMENT, AND THE ONLY ONE IN A COMPROMISING POSITION!!!

Surely everyone has a similar visceral reaction to this kind of thing. We remember being kids, finally allowed to be by ourselves as we did our embarrassing business, only to have our sanctuary threatened by the insistent pounding on the door by a family member.

“What the hell is going ON in there?!?! WHO IS THAT?!?! What happened, did you fall in?!?!”

You have absolutely no control over the situation. Suddenly, a sibling is broadcasting to the entire neighborhood that they need the bathroom, and you won’t get out, and demanding that a parent get involved and DO something about it. And what, exactly, are they going to do? Well, I don’t need to tell you: it’s entirely possible that they will OPEN THE DOOR, demanding to know what’s taking so long, and guaranteeing that in ten years you will find yourself telling this to a therapist and unable to form committed relationships.

So please: unless the door has been locked for an HOUR, during which you’ve quietly checked the handle several times, there is NO reason to knock.