I watched Transformers with Aaron a couple of weeks ago (Kristin was there, too, but I’m not sure to what extent she “watched” with us) on their humongous TV.

Let me just start out by stating the obvious: This movie is not a think piece. It’s not a meditation on the possibilities of life in outer space, the nature of consciousness, or the future Hollywood moneymaking potential of a guy named Shia (though, if Keanu is any indication, it’s pretty solid). This movie is a big, dumb, pandering, noisy commercial for a line of General Motors concept cars. It’s a live-action version of a poorly-animated cartoon designed for no other purpose that to advertise a line of toys. The plot is silly, the dialogue is much worse, there are extraneous plots and characters everywhere, and the very idea that humans could mount even a token resistance to shape-shifting robots with no apparent power source, lightning speed, and the kinds of weaponry that the U.S. military is always accused of having, but regrettably doesn’t, should be an insult to any sentient being. It seems pretty clear that Michael Bay wants to make movies that drunk children with ADD have no problem following. And since I was, at the time, fully identifying with the first part of that equation, thanks to our attempts at a pitcher of mojitos, I freakin’ loved it! Both Aaron and I did. We whooped and yelled and giggled through the whole thing! And, other than a bottle of rum, the reasons should be obvious:

Cars. And. Robots.

Awesome cars that turn into humongous robots that fight each other and then turn into awesome cars again. ROBOTS!! CARS!! CARS AND ROBOTS!! AND EXPLOSIONS AND MISSILES AND FLYING AND ROBOTS AND AWESOME CARS!!!! WHAT’S NOT TO LIKE!?!?!?! There were some moderately attractive girls in there, too, one of whom even had an Australian accent. BUT WHO CARES!?!?! CARS AND ROBOTS!!!!

Robots have always made me happy. This is nothing new for boys… well, straight ones anyway. It’s a power fantasy for adolescent males who are all-too-aware of their pathetic limitations. (Oh, I’m sure there will be some snarky types out there who will read suppressed homoerotic longings in a fascination with uber-masculine machinery and its substitution for a lack of sexual potency. These folks need to stop making every human action and/or desire into an excuse to think about their genitals. Really, guys. It’s kind of tired.) Robots represent many of the qualities that boys hope to emulate in manhood: strength, reason, logic, ingenuity, constancy, efficiency, and the ability to stuff bullies into their own lockers.

However, I’ve only recently come to the realization that I love cars, which utterly baffles Susan, as she’s had to endure a nonstop litany about them for years. Everything about them seems fantastic, almost magical. They are such complex and beautiful, yet compact, utilitarian objects. I could write for pages about their virtues, but it would seem silly to do so after so much, and so much better, has already been written. So here’s a short list, in a couple of categories, of cars that I think are just spiffy:

Classics

1964 Chevrolet Chevelle
This was the original family car on Bewitched. Apparently GM was a big sponsor of the show, and the Stevens family became something of a showcase for the latest models (a tradition obnoxiously carried over to Heros – I mean, “Nissan presents Heros by Nissan”), though we’ve only gotten through the first season of Bewitched on DVD, so I can’t comment on any other models the lovely Elizabeth Montgomery (quite a model, herself! Reaown!!) could be seen driving.

1955 Chevrolet Nomad
I have a soft spot for wagons. We had a big one when I was a kid, and you had to call the “way-back” to sit in the cargo area. Try and let your kids do that now! The Nomad reminds me of that definition of a classic car, the ‘57 Chevy Bel Air, only like a big, clunky hatchback. Not as good for sneaking friends into the drive-in as the trunk of a Continental, but sure carried your surfboard.

1967 Shelby Cobra
Woof. I know close to nothing about this car, but it’s unique, large, looks small, and has a monster muscle car engine in it. I’ve rarely seen a roof on one, which is interesting in itself. This car was designed to be topless, so to speak. And it’s all curves, so, also, to speak… I’ll stop now.

Porsche 356 Speedster
The precursor to the 911s and Carraras, it looks like there should be a wind-up key sticking out of the trunk. It’s such a simple, aerodynamic shape, beautifully executed. Sure, it kind of looks like a shell-toed sneaker, but it’s shiny!

Redesigns/Rebirths

2006 Toyota FJ Cruiser
How awesome is this thing?!?! A redesign of the Jeep ripoff of the 70’s, they brought back all the bold lines and circular details. I drove my cousin’s, and it’s not just for show. This is the real off-roading thing. Retro and capable.

2007 Mini Cooper
Supposedly one of the least reliable cars on the road (and that’s saying something, especially in Maine, with all the Volvos and Saabs around, though it is made by BMW, thus completing the mid-range-Euro-money-pit trifecta), it’s still a wonderful reinterpretation of the old British classic econobox. Sporty, tiny, zippy, and cute as the dickens.

2008 Chevrolet Camaro
Featured prominently in Transformers as the protagonist’s guardian/wingman (tedious…), it’s one of the better muscle-car redesigns, if a little late, considering the new Charger and Mustang.

2007 Jeep Wrangler
Aw, Heck YEAH!! I love that Jeep has gotten even MORE ballsy and outdoorsy. If your car can climb a mountain, but your friends can’t see you because they won’t sit in the back because they don’t have enough room, what’s the point? Four doors, bigger fenders, downright angular lines. Looks like it’s carved from a block.

Just Awesome

2007 Pontiac Solstice
Oh, baby. Love the honeycomb grill and rounded nose. Kind of reminds me of the Cobra. I’ve been pretty dissatisfied with most roadster designs as of late (Mazda Miata, Audi TT, Porsche Boxter), as they’re all kind of uninspired. Can you believe this thing is a Pontiac?!? I think the last innovative thing they did was the Fiero. Yikes. This also showed up in Transformers, though mostly in its hip-hop-spouting robot form. Word.

2007 Ford Super Duty
Looks like a freakin’ train. They should really equip it with a steam whistle to complete the package.


Hummer H2
If the Super Duty didn’t remove any shred of enviro-philic credibility I may have had, this one surely will. The object of more venomous hatred and target of more vandalism/firebombs/destruction by smug, hybrid-driving, world-bank-protesting, Starbucks-window-shattering, “anarchy” advocating, Hot Topic shopping eco-terrorists than anything else on the road. It is the very symbol of excessive consumption by the upper-middle class… How awesome is this thing?!?! Every line indicates power rumbling beneath the surface. The short, wide nose; steep windshield, granite-block-like body; stark chrome details; the Frankenstein’s Monster of Suburbia.

Audi S8
To end on a more refined note, I leave you with the only current Volkswagen-derived car I would drive if I had a spare 100k – I owned a number of VWs before my Honda conversion, and they all betrayed me. It didn’t help that they were all more than 12 years old when I bought them… But THIS lovely machine is… is just… oh, mercy. Huge. Powerful. Elegant. Refined. This car is like the Golden Rectangle of automobiles; there is no pretense, no flash. Just perfect lines and proportions. Oh, and a 5.2-liter, Lamborghini-derived, 450 horsepower V-10.

Mercy…

Any favorites of your own? I’d love to hear about it! And I know H may take exception to the Volvo reference, as her own lovely car served her capably for many years, so she’s invited first to put me in my place.

And remember, kids: Christmas is coming!